Still Pondering . . .

Today, Dr Graham signed me up to come in next Wednesday, June 18th, and deliver Kate. He said he can't actually induce me . . . I'm too far along at 4cm . . . but he said I should come in and let him break my water.

The whole conversation was a bit of a whirlwind . . . we were chatting about it all while he had his hand up my you-know-where, finding no progress since last week (yeah, I think any kind of progress at this point would put me in labor). I said something about not being sure if I wanted to do that, and Dr Graham looked at me like I had 3 heads.

He said, "It's safe. She's ready. You'll come to the hospital, you'll get the epidural, and then I'll break your water. You'll never feel a single contraction. You'll have that baby in about two hours time."

I took the appointment slip and asked again, "What if I decide I don't want to do this?" Dr Graham told me to just call his nurse and let her know, and we'd schedule my 39 week appointment for next Thursday . . . if I choose NOT to deliver on Wednesday.

I can't decide what I want to do, and Jim -- my loving husband that is supposed to be right by my side through all of this -- is NO HELP. He's got that DAMN work conference starting Sunday, and clearly that is the only thing on his mind. A Wednesday delivery is not very 'convenient' for him . . . it's the last day of the conference, and he is scheduled to give a presentation that morning.

When Dr Graham said, "You'll come in about 8am on Wednesday . . . "
Jim piped up with, "Could we make around 11am instead?"

I'm really mad at him right now. On top of deciding if this is what I want to do for my body and for our baby, now I have to worry about whether or not it's convenient for my work-a-holic husband. We've been arguing about priorities ever since we left the doctor's office.

But -- I'll tell you -- the thing that is bothering me most is the idea of not feeling a single contraction. I know it's crazy . . . but I can't really stand the idea of NOT feeling anything . . . of doing it all in a way that makes me feel a bit like I'm going to miss out on the real experience of having our second daughter. There are only a few times in my life when I will get to have this . . . Meg was one, Kate is two, and that phantom 3rd baby we've always talked about may (or may not) be three. That's it.

Pregnancy and childbirth . . . nursing and infant care . . . it's all so important to me. At this stage in my life, it's what I do. It's what I've always thought about as a woman . . . it's been something I've dreamed of since I was a little girl. If I have Dr Graham break my water, am I rushing things? Am I stealing my own experience from myself?

But then . . . my parents piped in with one really big reason for me to go on and do this next week . . . a concern they have to which I had not given much thought.

Kate's size. She's only getting bigger in there . . . gaining somewhere around 1/2 pound with each week. I'm actually losing weight at this point. There is no where for Kate to go . . . so her extra pounds are restricting me and keeping me from adding more poundage in these last few weeks.

Meg was 7 1/2 pounds when delivered at 37 weeks. That means that Kate could conceivably be somewhere between 8 and 9 pounds next week . . . and that's quite a bit bigger. During Meg's delivery, they brought in an extra nurse to help because they thought she was too big for my pelvis and that her shoulder might get stuck . . . at 7 1/2 pounds. My mom is worried that Kate could get so big that I'd have to go with a C-Section.

Dr Graham hasn't voiced one concern about Kate's size. I don't know if it's something I should be worried about or not. But, it is something else to think about.

And then there is the convenience factor. Going in next Wednesday morning would be very convenient for me and for scheduling care for Meg (NOT convenient for Jim, clearly).

And then there is the 'light at the end of the tunnel' factor. I'd know when this would be coming to an end.

And then there is the Dr Graham factor. HE'D be certain to deliver Kate. What a treat that would be.

Ugh. I'm at the same spot I was yesterday, mulling all this over. But the difference is that today, I have my appointment scheduled. And it's not really induction . . . just a kick-start to Kate's delivery.

Do I want to cancel or not?

Something tells me that -- even with all the pros -- I'm going to cancel the appointment and wait it out one more week. I've made it this far, I think that I'll be happier in the long run if I wait just one more week. At 40 weeks, I think I'll be game for the water-breaking idea.

But then again, I need to think about it some more.
I just don't know.