A New Found Affection

I seem to write a lot about Meg. What she's doing and saying, how she is blowing me away with all that her little 2.5 yr old brain is processing. Kate, I feel, sometimes hides in the shadows of a big sister that can DO so much more than her right now.

At 6 months, I think Kate is coming into her own . . . stepping into the spotlight. Her personality is ripening, her whole little self is shining through. And, as her mom, I feel like I'm responding and getting to know her in ways I haven't until this point.

I'm not sure if I bonded with Kate as instantly and with the same tenacity as I did with Meg. That's the truth, as harsh as it sounds. I must be honest: the VERY first thing I thought when I got a good look at Kate in the delivery room was, "She doesn't look like Meg!" I've loved Kate -- every nook and cranny of her little body -- from before she was born, don't misunderstand. But, having an older child seemed to affect the way that I connected with her in the very beginning.

But now, in the last few weeks, I really have discovered this new found affection for my younger daughter. Something has changed, something is different between us. I can't seem to get enough of her.

I wonder if it has something to do with how responsive she now is . . . how, in the beginning, I tended to focus my efforts on Meg to some degree because she asks me for things and interacts with me on a completely different level than can was even capable of. Kate was easy; I knew how to meet the needs of a newborn. Meg felt so much more demanding to me. Poor little Kate got drug around for must of the summer and fall . . . going with the flow of what our family (including her big sister) needed her to do. She didn't mind, so I kept doing it. I didn't stop to get to know her, to cherish every single second as I did with Meg because I had no time. It seemed that any chance I got to bond with Kate was pushed to the side for other things . . . or I'd sit and hold her while my mind raced with all that I needed to do. I missed out on a bit of that bonding time when she was fresh and new because I was so busy getting used to our new family.

I also wonder if Kate and I just didn't 'click' right away. Maybe that is what happened back in the summer . . . I just didn't 'get' Kate the way I did Meg in those first few weeks. I've heard of this from other moms -- or in some of the 'mom books' I've read. When I've read or hear that, I didn't understand or really think it was possible. I connected with Meg instantly. Some Moms don't bond with their babies from the very first touch? I wondered. How can that be? But then again, I also thought How can I possibly love another baby as much as I love Meg?

Maybe that isn't the issue. I'll never know. And it doesn't matter, really. What matters now is how much fun I'm having being Kate's mom. How precious she is, how she fills my heart with love each time I see that big smile of hers. My heart is so full . . . with two girls . . . I didn't even know it was possible.

Now that Kate is sitting up, playing with toys, mimmicking me . . . eating solids, desiring regular naps . . . I feel that her needs are increasingly important and valuable, too. Meg isn't the only one I am considering when I go about my mom-life these days. And even more than before, I'm finding that time to stop and just be with Kate. It's such precious time. I'm a little more used to the hustle and bustle around here . . . I now feel comfortable making time to do nothing with my littlest one. I am realizing how much more important it is than anything on my to-do list.

Kate is so very precious . . . I can't help but want to curl up with her and bury my face her her sweetness. Like I said, I can't get enough of her these days.

Yesterday, she and I started mom/tot swim classes . . . just like I did with Meg. I loved spending that 30 minutes in the pool with Kate yesterday morning. It reminded me of times with Meg, and it made me that much more aware of how I need to carve out MORE of my time to do these things with Kate. I loved it. I love her.

They say that you always have a favorite . . . depending on the moment, time, phase. I am finding that to be true, that sometimes I do favor one over the other. Meg was A-#1 for a while, but these days I think I'm favoring Kate a bit . . . favoring her smiles, her smile baby giggles.

But then -- tonight at bedtime -- Meg crawled up into the rocking chair with Kate and I as I rocked Kate to sleep. Meg curled up next to me, very snug, put her freshly shampooed head on my shoulder, and said:

"I love you, Mommy."

I think they are both my favorites . . . and will forever be.

(Portraits from Kate's 6 Month session . . . and one of big sister b/c she couldn't stand me taking pictures of someone else.)