My Reflection

Got a phone call from a friend last week . . . her husband will be traveling for work quite a bit over the next 6 months, and she called to ask me how I manage life with 2 kids and a traveling husband. Our conversation went on, describing the loneliness and occasional resentment that comes from being left at home. She was worried about how she was going to manage her family on her own most of each week.

How do I play tennis? How can I get anything done? What about ME time? were most of her questions.

My answer: you just don't do a lot. You don't play tennis, you don't get a lot of time to yourself, and it's kinda tough to get stuff done most days. But you manage . . . and you look forward to your husband's return when you can turn the kids over to him.

"You are just so dedicated to being a mom," my friend told me. "I don't know how you do it. You've put your whole life on hold. I wish I could be more like that."

My response: "I think it's so funny that you see me that way . . . as this dedicated mom. I really feel like a very selfish person a lot of the time because I want to do and be so much more. I don't feel like a great mom . . . I feel like a mom preoccupied with my own things. I'm always wanting to do something for myself. I'm a lot more selfish than you think!"

That conversation has rolled around in my brain since it happened last Thursday. It's so strange that she sees me as a dedicated mother . . . that I'm putting my life on hold. I don't feel like I'm putting anything on hold. I often feel like -- if anything -- I'm putting my kids on hold so I can do my own things. (Case in point: Kate is crying in her crib as I write, and she has been at it for about 10 minutes. She's awake from a nap . . . but I desperately want to finish this blog.) I feel very very selfish. I'm so ready to have Kate done nursing . . . to have Meg more self-sufficient . . . so that I can have more time to do what I want to do. I was shocked to hear my friend tell me that I'm not as selfish as I think I am.

It's often comical how others see us so very differently than we see ourselves. My friend -- the one who called -- seems like the 'I can do it all' mom to me. She has a part time career, she babysits for family Mon-Fri, she's got two great girls, and she finds time to play tennis and work at her kids' preschool. To me, SHE'S the Super Mom. I have other friends like that, too. Friends that work full time/part time and raise their family, friends that have more than 2 kids and manage to keep everything afloat. I don't know how THEY do it. When I talk to these busy bees, I feel guilty complaining about a thing in my own life . . . I am here by myself quite a bit, but at least I don't have a job to go to each day. I couldn't do that at all, not in our situation. It just is not possible for me to work AND take care of the girls 4 days each week. Not gonna happen.

I feel like those people -- those with jobs and lots of other responsibilities aside from their families -- those people must think I'm a wuss if I can't handle my own life. When I look at them, I wonder how THEY do it. Certainly they can't wonder the same about me. I look in the mirror and see someone who is working so hard at being a mom, but they must look at me and see a bon-bon eating loafer with 2 kids and a posh, no-job lifestyle.

Turns out, not everyone sees me that way.

It sounds stupid, but the conversation with my friend was a little bit of a ego boost. She seems to think I have it all together, which I took as a huge compliment. Ha! Well, if others can see me that way, then I must be doing something right . . . because it's not very often that I feel that way. I felt like I was given some credit for the job I do, taking care of the girls and the house while Jim is away. Someone thinks I have it tough -- who would have thought? I was astounded to find that she views me as the Super Mom . . . but I'll take it. I'll take the credit. It made me feel good to be the one that looks like I'm making it all run so smoothly.

I guess what I'm saying is that our own reflections are never quite what others see when they look at us. We see our faults and our shortcomings when we look in the mirror; we are all too hard on ourselves. But others see us quite differently from the outside. They don't see all the pitfalls or weaknesses . . . at least, we hope they don't. Others can often see good in us that we don't even know is there.

And it's nice to be reminded of our good qualities when others let us in on what they see in us.