How Are You Doing?

I keep seeing people going on with normal life, and it feels strange to me.



The cashier at Walgreens last night said, "Have a good evening," and I wanted to respond with, "My dad found my mom dead in their bed on Thursday, but I'll try." People passing me in the store have no idea what is going on at my house. In my mind.



Friends of mine have all these happy 'status updates' on Facebook, and I just keep thinking about how they are all living their happy lives today, no idea what can happen in an instant. "Going on Vacation!" or "Taking the kids to the movies!" are the updates I'm reading. Can I write, "Knee deep in funeral preparation!" ??



I keep looking at Meg and Kate and thinking about how my mom once loved me with the fierce and intense love that I feel for these girls of mine. There was a time in her life when she hugged my tiny body close to hers, and she couldn't stand how much she loved me. I know there was a time she felt that.



Everyone keeps telling me I'm being so strong; they are so proud of me. But what else would I do? Someone has to take care of all of this, and that is my role. Do I have a choice? Can I stop now? I wouldn't mind disappointing people, if that's what would happen if I stopped.



I'm not that sad.

I wrote my mom's Eulogy yesterday. Never really thought about how I'd write that or what I'd say, but it came together fairly easily. We had to pick music, which was WAY more intense for me. Words are words, but music is something that is very powerful for me. That was a really hard item to check off our list.

Is she really not going to be around anymore? With my dad here at our house, I keep thinking that when the phone rings, it's her calling. She always called to check on him when he was here. "Are you coming home tonight?" was her mantra during most of my dad's visits with us. She hated it when he stayed the night with us . . . she hated to be alone. I keep thinking that the ringing phone is her, checking to make sure that she wouldn't be alone tonight.



I keep thinking about how she's with her parents now. How she can be truly happy now. I hope she is, I do. She really was not very happy in her life, but I hope that in death she has found peace, love, and true, genuine happiness.

I look at all these old pictures of her, and I really do think she was beautiful when she was young. It's easy to see how my dad fell in love with her.

Jim has been fantastic. He's done any and everything we've needed him to do. Where would I be with out him? My friends are amazing. We haven't cooked a thing since Thursday, and our fridge is full . . . and promises of more food to come. That has been a true blessing in all of this. Our friends and my Jim.

I'm doing OK. Hanging in there.