Sometimes, I Don't Like Myself

Ever feel like that?

There are things about myself that I just do not like . . . things I try to change, to correct, to amend . . . but sometimes it’s a losing battle.

One of the things that I dislike so much is my ever-present perfectionism. In a job interview, you could say that is your strength and your weakness . . . that you never rest until the job is done right, meaning that your work is of superior quality. But, often in life, it’s just a weakness. It gets it the way. It monopolizes your thoughts and your time. And it makes others around you want to pull their hair out in agony.

Jim can relate to that last part.

We – meaning the whole Dahlby clan – worked very, very hard this weekend on several projects around our house. Jim and his dad installed chair railing and crown molding in what is soon-to-be Kate’s nursery. The painted the ceiling. They painted the molding. They worked HARD. Then I went in (on request) and pointed out what I thought were small flaws in the craftsmanship . . . little touches here and there that I felt needed to be fixed before the job would be considered ‘done.’ Jim didn’t appreciate my input. He got defensive and upset. That, in turn, made me defensive and upset. I didn’t feel that it was fair for him to ask my opinion and then get mad at me when I gave it to him. He didn’t feel it was fair for me to pick-pick-pick at all the hard work he’d done. I didn’t feel that was what I was doing. He didn’t feel that he wanted me to be in the room anymore.

Jim says he hates doing projects with me because I’m so nitpicky. It’s true. I hate it, too. We always fight when we work on something like this weekend’s task. Whether it’s hanging a few pictures or painting and entire room, projects are always a source of contention between Jim and I. I wish I could do something to change the way I am . . . the perfectionist in me just wants to do EVERYTHING myself because then I’m not counting on others to live up to my ridiculously high standards. But, I can’t do it all . . . so I end up riding those who help me so hard that they don’t even want to help me anymore.

Perfectionism is an only-child (and first-born child) trait. I’ve read
The Birth Order Book , and I’ve learned a lot about why I am this way. In your family, you often look up to the next oldest person as your #1 role model . . . this begins as a very young child and continues as you grow. For an only child (or first born), the next oldest person is an adult. Only children watch adults at work and find that their own abilities are very much inferior . . . which causes them to strive for perfectionism to be like their adult role models. It’s a ridiculous standard to set for oneself. To think that a child can complete tasks or behave as an adult is just not healthy or feasible.

It’s not healthy, but I think it does explain a little about why I am the way I am. Blame it on my only-child status. (More on birth order in another blog – it’s fantastic theory and SO SO interesting!)

While we are blaming -- can I blame this on the pregnancy, too? The hormones, raging through my body – they are the reason I act like a lunatic when it comes to getting things done around here lately? Sadly, no . . . if it didn’t happen in not-pregnant life, I WOULD . . . but all too often I’m anal without child.

Now Jim and I will have to work to complete our nursery project next weekend, and I’m already dreading it. I don't want to fight anymore. I KNOW he worked hard this weekend – both he and his dad did a GREAT JOB in the nursery. That was not at all what I was saying when I noticed little defects in their work. I’m grateful for their work – it’s awesome and the nursery is going to be very sweet and soothing when it’s all complete. I was simply pointing out some things that still needed to be done, in my perfectionistic opinion. Maybe it was my approach – maybe I was too harsh in my request for repairs. I’ll think about that – maybe that is what I can control. Not the perfectionism, but they way I react to it.

Either way, I’m not really liking myself today. I’m wishing I wasn’t so critical. I’m hoping that I didn’t anger everyone around me over the weekend. And I’m trying to find a way to finish up our projects and remain a married woman.

I’ll keep you updated . . . both on the projects and my marriage.