I want my body back. I do. It's not mine . . . and it hasn't been for going on THREE YEARS now. Oct 2005 - June 2006 I was pregnant with Meg; June 2006 - July 2007, I nursed her; June - Aug 2007 I was pregnant; early Oct 2007 - June 2008 I was pregnant again; June 2008 - present, I'm nursing again. Only during a 6 week break between the miscarriage and Kate's pregnancy did I really have my body under my control. And what was I trying to do nearly that whole time? Get pregnant again.
When you think about it, it's sad . . . since October of 2005, I haven't been able eat or drink whatever I want. Physical activity has been limited at times, as has my ability to sleep or be comfortable. I love being a mom and the whole ordeal that it takes, but I'd like my body back now, please.
How much longer? you might ask. At least 11 months . . . until Kate is weaned just after her 1st birthday. Shall I start a countdown?
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When we were traveling back from Kansas, I made a trip to the bathroom at the KCI airport. A very unusual trip alone . . . no toddler or baby with me. You know what I did? I stayed in my stall way longer than necessary. After my business was taken care of, I sighed to myself and realized the rarity of my situation. I closed my eyes and let my head fall back . . . and relished the tranquility of the public bathroom.
Is that shameful? Who cares. It was about 4 cherished minutes of quiet time. I take what I can get these days.
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Ever heard of antibiotic wipes? Anyone? They were on the list of items requested by Meg's preschool teacher. I've been on a hunt for these silly things, and I've asked everyone I know to help me figure out what they are.
At first, I thought I had outsmarted the teacher . . . she meant antibacterial wipes, certainly. Antibiotic wipes would be, like, Neosporin wipes, and I don't think those exist. Antibacterial wipes are those Lysol or Clorox things for wiping counters and tables.
No. Wrong. Antibiotic wipes do exist. Wet Ones . The teacher explained it to me when I dropped Meg off for the first day of preschool. The only excuse I can find for my confusion is that they are antibacterial . . . at least, that's what they say on the can.
How much longer? you might ask. At least 11 months . . . until Kate is weaned just after her 1st birthday. Shall I start a countdown?
********************************************************************
When we were traveling back from Kansas, I made a trip to the bathroom at the KCI airport. A very unusual trip alone . . . no toddler or baby with me. You know what I did? I stayed in my stall way longer than necessary. After my business was taken care of, I sighed to myself and realized the rarity of my situation. I closed my eyes and let my head fall back . . . and relished the tranquility of the public bathroom.
Is that shameful? Who cares. It was about 4 cherished minutes of quiet time. I take what I can get these days.
********************************************************************
Ever heard of antibiotic wipes? Anyone? They were on the list of items requested by Meg's preschool teacher. I've been on a hunt for these silly things, and I've asked everyone I know to help me figure out what they are.
At first, I thought I had outsmarted the teacher . . . she meant antibacterial wipes, certainly. Antibiotic wipes would be, like, Neosporin wipes, and I don't think those exist. Antibacterial wipes are those Lysol or Clorox things for wiping counters and tables.
No. Wrong. Antibiotic wipes do exist. Wet Ones . The teacher explained it to me when I dropped Meg off for the first day of preschool. The only excuse I can find for my confusion is that they are antibacterial . . . at least, that's what they say on the can.
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I stood there in the dark of night, swaying back and forth with Kate . . . wondering if I should do it or not. She was sound asleep. She's been sleeping through the night for a few weeks now. She was 9 weeks old. Was it time?And then I decided that YES, it was time. And I leaned over and put Kate down to sleep in her crib in her room. She's no longer in her bassinett next to our bed. She's sleeping in her own room now.
Part of me is sad because it's one more milestone that is gone from her little baby days. And -- I have to admit -- part of me is happy to claim my bedroom back. I kinda missed it being just Jim and my space these past few months.
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I have a confession. When I was putting Meg to bed one night recently, an act occurred that really shocked me. While reading bed time stories, Meg leaned over and softly brushed Kate's little, tiny head. Then, open handed, she popped Kate in the face.
That wasn't the shocking part.
The shocking part was my knee-jerk reaction: I popped Meg on the leg. I did. I hit her . . . not very hard, but with a bit of anger in my swing. I was so mad at her for hitting Kate. Furious because we've talked about it and because Meg knows better. Without thinking, I returned the action . . . right on her left knee. It happened before I could even stop it.
Meg's reaction? She smiled. My reaction? I was stunned.
"Well, what now?" I was thinking. "Consistency. Follow through. No empty threats." All my parenting jargon was floating around in my head. I couldn't just take it back . . . would that make me look like a softy? I told Meg how mad I was that she hit Kate and what unexceptable behavior that was. I just kept telling her, "That made Mommy so mad!"
Before I left her for the night, I apologized for swatting her leg. I explained that Mommy should not do that, just like she should not hit Kate. I told her I was sorry. I kissed her forhead. I don't know if she understands it all . . . but I couldn't just hit her and get away with it. It wasn't right, and it's not how I want to raise her.
I hope it never happens again. And now that I know what might happen, I'm sure I'll guard myself against it. A mistake I won't forget, trust me.
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Weight Watchers Update: down to 160 lbs. My new weight means about 8 pounds lost since I began 4 weeks ago. No record setting pace, but that's OK. Remember -- we did go on vacation for a week -- so I'm not down on myself. I'm proud. Every little bit we inch left on that scale is a little bit closer to where I'd like to be.
M
y anniversary present -- for the wonderful 5th wedding anniversary that Jim and I recently celebrated -- was a new double jogging stroller. I wanted it so that I could get out and walk off some of this baby weight. Nothing fancy at all . . . for I am certainly no athlete . . . just something to get me around the neighborhood with both girls. I tried to take a walk with the one double stroller we do have (on loan from a good friend), but it was too much like a bus. And Meg could easily hop in and out of her seat, which she found joy in doing about every 15-20 steps. The jogger should be just what we need to enjoy some cool air in the mornings and help me get back into some of my regular clothes.
y anniversary present -- for the wonderful 5th wedding anniversary that Jim and I recently celebrated -- was a new double jogging stroller. I wanted it so that I could get out and walk off some of this baby weight. Nothing fancy at all . . . for I am certainly no athlete . . . just something to get me around the neighborhood with both girls. I tried to take a walk with the one double stroller we do have (on loan from a good friend), but it was too much like a bus. And Meg could easily hop in and out of her seat, which she found joy in doing about every 15-20 steps. The jogger should be just what we need to enjoy some cool air in the mornings and help me get back into some of my regular clothes.
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