Fertility Sucks

Why does it ALWAYS hit me like a ton of bricks when somebody tells me they are pregnant? And WHEN will that stop?!

Today, someone called to book a photo session. Of course, I’m always happy and excited to hear from someone when they are interested in having photos done. The timing of the session came up – I always do early morning for best light – and she said she is having a hard time getting up and going in the early morning because she is expecting her second baby.

They have a 9 month old. And now another on the way.

I started stammering. My hands started shaking. I got so mad and jealous. I probably sounded like an idiot on the phone. I managed to schedule the session and get off the phone -- and I managed to keep myself from breaking down.

I wish I could change the way I react and the way I feel . . . but I can’t figure out how. I had to call Jim right away and vent to him. He wasn’t much help (sorry, Jim). He just said we are doing all we can do, and we just have to see how it goes. Great advice. Didn’t make me feel better at all.

I guess it doesn’t ALWAYS happen . . . when some people tell me their pregnancy news, I honestly don’t get upset. I have a few friends that have struggled with infertility like we have, and for those couples I get genuinely excited. I know how happy they are – I have felt what they are feeling. And, of course, when my good friends get pregnant, I am also very happy to hear the news. It’s like, because I know they are a good friend, I know they didn’t do it on purpose to upset me.

Neither do the other couples – do it on purpose, I mean. But, for some reason, it just feels like that to me. Like they are flaunting their fertility in my face.

The person who called today knew that I’d had a miscarriage. Is it self-centered to say that I thought she was a bit insensitive to call me and starting talking up her brand new (7 week) pregnancy within the first few minutes of the conversation? It is, I realize. She is at no fault, of course. Why am I so self-centered when it comes to this? I know she is simply delighted to share her news – I know that is EXACTLY how I felt when we were pregnant in July. I need to harbor those feelings again so that I can act more NORMAL when I get the news that someone is expecting. Right now, my reactions are anything BUT normal.

And – I’ve lost a friend because of these wacko reactions. Back before I was pregnant with Meg – because we were struggling so hard to GET pregnant – I had terrible TERRIBLE reactions to other people telling me they were pregnant. I REALLY couldn’t handle it then. I hate that I reacted the way I did to one particular couple – I still look back and regret it. I think I’m a little better now. At least I only lash out at Jim.

I think all of this pregnancy talk from me is because I’m just hoping hoping hoping we are pregnant this month. I’ll HOPE HOPE HOPE that every single month until it happens. I’m trying so hard not to write about this in the blog – because I don’t want people asking if we are or aren’t – but it’s too hard NOT to write about it. It helps me to get it all out. (And, it saves by closest friends from having to hear about it ALL the time, I think.)

UGH -- the worst part of all of this is that I feel like we are right back where we were when we were trying to get pregnant the first time. I thought all of this was behind us. Hopefully, we'll be pregnant soon and it will be.