the dahlbys: Mommy Funk

Sorry for the absence . . . I've been in a funk the past few days.

I can't really explain it. I'm just not myself. NO, I'm NOT pregnant (although I'm on day 10 of my cycle, if you are counting). I can't put my finger on what has been in this . . . this . . . mood, I guess.

It started over the weekend . . . I argued with Jim most of Saturday morning about needing his help around the house and wanting him to make more decisions about stuff in general. Poor Jim. He does help around here . . . I just wanted, like, a total day OFF after having Meg 24 hrs for the previous 5 days. And -- about making decisions -- my arguments with him about that really aren't fair to him. I like making decisions -- like what we are going to do, what we are going to eat, when we are going to leave, etc. -- and so he lets me make a lot of the decisions most of the time. It's not fair for me to just turn that "off" and tell him to start making decisions. I can't be like -- YOU make the decisions when I tell you I want you to. Or -- worse -- I can't yell at him for NOT making decisions when I just decided I was tired of making them. Like he is supposed to read my mind and think, "Oh, I think Heather must want me to decide this one, even though usually she makes those choices . . . "

I don't know if any of that makes sense to anyone but Jim and I. But, to us, decision making is a big deal. I do it -- then I get tired of it and expect Jim to do it -- then I get mad when he doesn't do it my way. It's a vicious cycle.

Like I said, Poor Jim.

Sunday was pretty much a repeat of Saturday, except there was a different topic and, this time, I cried. Jim wanted to go help his sister move. She's losing her best friend and roommate to a job in Texas, so she's got to find a new place to keep her stuff (she travels a lot for work, so she barely 'lives' anywhere). Anyway, Jim wanted to help her, and he wanted Meg and I to come along. The idea of taking my 15 month old to an apartment complex and trying to keep her entertained and out of the way all afternoon -- with nothing to play with, mind you -- was NOT exciting to me. And, it hurt my feelings that THAT was what Jim DID want to do. I wanted him to want to stay home and play with us (Meg and I, I mean). I got all upset because he didn't seem to want to stay home with us.

I guess he did want to stay home with us -- that is what he ended up doing, anyway. Either because he really DID want to or because I gulited him into it. I'm not sure which. So then I felt bad for making him skip out on his sister (Julie, we'll get you back -- you'll be moving again soon) . . . and I felt bad for wasting another day arguing with Jim.

So, he was gone all 5 days last week, he's home tonight, and he's off again tomorrow until Friday. I spent 2 of the 3 days I'll see him these 2 weeks arguing with him.

And I can't even explain why.

I hope these grey clouds part and I can get back to myself soon. Or at least I hope I can put a finger on why I'm so glum. There really was no reason for me to start either of those arguments with Jim.

Maybe it's because I just found out another friend miscarried -- her DNC is Wednesday. Maybe it's because I'm terrified Jim is going to be gone when I ovulate and then we have to wait another month to try for baby # 3. I don't know. Maybe I should focus on something ELSE besides fertility, huh? My dad and I are still arguing a bit, so maybe that is weighing on me. I just don't really know.

Tomorrow is Tuesday. Meg and I start a new swim class (aerobics!) with some friends. I hope waking up with the excitement of that will get me off to a good start.

My only "fun" these past few days -- taking pictures of my friend's little one this afternoon. He is a DOLL baby. And I have another shoot on Wednesday . . . maybe that will help cheer me up, too.