The Weight of our Days

The weight of the day can really take it's toll on me come evening time.

Some days, it sets in around 4:30pm, and I'm not sure how I'll get through the next few hours . . . which are often the hardest of the whole day. When I know Jim is coming home, there is a bright light at the end of the tunnel. I know I will have someone to help me. But when he's gone, I just drown in all we've done that day and all we still have left to do. Evenings can be so hard.

Some days -- most days -- I rally and I make the best of it. I just suck it up and find a way to get through.

Some days, like today, the weight of the day sets in much earlier and is much harder to push through. By 3pm today, I had done showering and breakfast duties, dropped Meg off to play with a friend, packed a lunch for Kate and taken her along to a looooong doctor's appointment for my dad, driven into and out of Atlanta, picked up Meg, put her down for nap, fed Kate, and straightened up my house a tiny bit. Long before the evening hour, I was feeling the weight of our day.

Sometimes, I let it all overwhelm me. I don't mean to; it just does. It can feel like someone is sitting on my chest, making it hard to breathe . . . there is just so much to do. Always. It never stops. I think about my list of 'to dos' and I can't seem to relax. I take a lot of deep breaths. Sometimes it's more of a hollow feeling in my gut. It's just seems like I can't ever get ahead. Like I won't ever have a break.

Sometimes, I panic. I did today. All the things I needed to do in the evening hours plus all the other balls in the air I have . . . and what feels like a 'deadline' of Friday, when we leave for a trip to the lake with family. It really felt like so very much to handle. Probate court stuff, insurance problems for my dad, setting up more doctors appointments for him, the preschool 'back to school' list, Dahlby Family photos taken back in Iowa in May that I've STILL not ordered and mailed, returning phone calls, making arrangements for our house next week when we are away . . . .

Today was a day when I couldn't just get through . . . like I try to do most days.

Today -- a lengthy, tough day -- I had started to feel my stress level maxing out by the time we'd returned from the doctor visit, like 2:30pm or so. No need to wait for evening; I was already so tired from all we'd done. I knew it was going to be a long afternoon. As I began to feel the stress mount, I knew I still had to wake Meg from her nap in time to get her to dance class. I still had to unload and reload my dishwasher, take out 2 very full trash bags, get the mail, move laundry between machines and fold what was newly clean. Our kitchen table and kitchen desk area were a total, complete mess with clutter and kid stuff. Kate needed a diaper change and a snack packed for her trip to Meg's dance class. I still had to make dinner and bathe both girls at some point in the night. And I knew I have a lot of photos that need editing, when the day is done and I'd much rather be relaxing and recovering.

I cried for a little while between the afternoon chaos and the dinner routine . . . leaning over my sink full of dirty dishes with Kate wandering at my feet and Meg safely in front of (another) movie. As I stood in my kitchen trying not to cry, all I wanted to do was just go away. I wanted to just curl up on the couch with a magazine. I wanted to go get a pedicure and let someone else handle the dinner and bedtime routine. I felt very tired and very overwhelmed. But, Jim's not home. It's a Monday-Thursday week. No relief until Friday.

I tried to just sit on the couch for a few minutes and look through a catalog. Take a few minutes to myself, take a few more deep breaths. But as soon as I sat down, Kate was whining to me because she wanted something to drink. So I got up to get it. Then the phone rang. Then I noticed Kate was attempting to pour her drink all over the carpet. Then I realized that it was already 5:30pm and I should at least make a pizza or something for dinner. So much for a break.

Right now, our days are very heavy. The weight or our days can feel nearly unbearable.

I think all of this is supposed to make me stronger. Sooner or later, I'll be able to handle the weight of our days again. I know I will. That thought helps me on days like today. Our days won't always be this hard or this heavy, I do believe that deep down.

Still, at 5:30pm today, it certainly did not feel that way. I felt smothered by the weight of our day . . . our life . . . and it was not a good way to feel.