Written exactly one month ago . . . and a very important, heart-felt blog that I simply HAD to post . . .
I’m nearly out of the 9th week as I write this, and I’ve started telling a few people our good news. The truth of it is that I’m so excited that we are where we are in the pregnancy, I can’t wait to share. We had a fantastically normal ultrasound at the beginning of the 9th week, which really helped to set my mind at ease. And, I’m started to pooch a bit – looking fat more than anything – so I would rather just tell people I’m pregnant than let them think I’m gaining a ton of weight.
The reactions I get to our news is, well, different than I expected.
There are 2 reactions I’m getting – actually, three reactions, if you count the "good" one that I like the most.
The first reaction is the “Crying Wolf” response. When I’ve told a few people, they act almost like, ‘Okay, well, great. You were pregnant just a month or two ago, so all right. We congratulated you then, so congrats again . . .’ Almost as if they used up all their happiness for us on the news of our summer pregnancy. It’s a bland response. Like, ‘Enough already, you were just pregnant.’ What they say is “See – everything happens for a reason!” I think these people are just ready for us to have another baby so I’ll stop talking about it all.
The second reaction is – what most people call – “cautiously optimistic.” These folks aren’t trying to get too excited for us because – in their view – they don’t want us to get all hyped up because of the possibility we’d miscarry again. They think they are being so loving and careful with our feelings. They say things like, “I’m sure everything will be great this time.” or “I’m sure you are anxious to get through this first trimester.” I get it. It’s still not the appropriate way to respond.
The reactions I get to our news is, well, different than I expected.
There are 2 reactions I’m getting – actually, three reactions, if you count the "good" one that I like the most.
The first reaction is the “Crying Wolf” response. When I’ve told a few people, they act almost like, ‘Okay, well, great. You were pregnant just a month or two ago, so all right. We congratulated you then, so congrats again . . .’ Almost as if they used up all their happiness for us on the news of our summer pregnancy. It’s a bland response. Like, ‘Enough already, you were just pregnant.’ What they say is “See – everything happens for a reason!” I think these people are just ready for us to have another baby so I’ll stop talking about it all.
The second reaction is – what most people call – “cautiously optimistic.” These folks aren’t trying to get too excited for us because – in their view – they don’t want us to get all hyped up because of the possibility we’d miscarry again. They think they are being so loving and careful with our feelings. They say things like, “I’m sure everything will be great this time.” or “I’m sure you are anxious to get through this first trimester.” I get it. It’s still not the appropriate way to respond.
The third reaction is just joy and happiness for us. That is the reaction I like most.
And then I had the WORST response at all – it doesn’t even fall into a category because it is so insane. But I have to tell you about it. I ran into a friend at the mall, told her I was pregnant, and when I mentioned I was 9 weeks she said, “Well, didn’t you get that far last time?”
I wanted to hit her. That was the most insensitive response I can imagine. And I call her a ‘friend.’
I glazed over it, of course. I sucked in my stomach that had just felt a huge *punch* and mentioned that, actually, we lost the last baby at 9 weeks but carried it for 2 more weeks and didn’t miscarry until right at the 11 week mark. It was a silent miscarriage. She nodded, said some pleasantries . . . then I think she realized what she’d said and offered me a huge hug in congratulations.
I left and immediately thought, “I must blog about this.” I need you all to know – for the future, for other people who experience this – how you should react when someone tells you they are pregnant after a prenatal loss.
HERE is how you respond: EXACTLY AS YOU WOULD AS IF THE MISCARRIGE HAD NEVER HAPPENED.
Just be super excited. Just hug them, tell them how happy you are, how wonderful the news is. Pretend it is their first pregnancy – ask all the questions about when they are due, how they’re feeling, do they want a boy or a girl. For Heaven’s sake, stop reminding them that this new pregnancy is following a miscarriage. THEY KNOW THAT. Don’t say ANYTHING about the previous experience – don’t say, “We are praying for you” or anything to make them think that you are not 100% confident that they are going to deliver this baby at term. Just BE EXCITED. Those are the best reactions. Joy and happiness.
People that are just excited for us make me feel like they ARE genuinely happy for us – like they are ready to help us move on and share our lives with this new baby. That type of response truly and honestly helps me and my confidence in the new pregnancy. God knows I want someone to tell me everything is going to be OK – and by just being excited and asking all the pregnancy questions, that is exactly what those people are doing. That is what I want people to say when they find out I’m pregnant. A simple, “Yeah!! How fantastic! When are you due?”
Now, if you’ve reacted in one of the other ways – you cannot feel bad about it. If you’ve never experienced this situation, there is really no way to know how to respond. As long as you were kind and genuine, we (me or any of others who have had this happen) KNOW and totally understand your reaction. It’s perfectly normal.
I just wanted you to know what I think is the best way to respond. Just be excited. And then, if you need to, you can hold your breath for them . . . and pray for them . . . until that 12th week . . . just don’t tell them you are doing it.
And then I had the WORST response at all – it doesn’t even fall into a category because it is so insane. But I have to tell you about it. I ran into a friend at the mall, told her I was pregnant, and when I mentioned I was 9 weeks she said, “Well, didn’t you get that far last time?”
I wanted to hit her. That was the most insensitive response I can imagine. And I call her a ‘friend.’
I glazed over it, of course. I sucked in my stomach that had just felt a huge *punch* and mentioned that, actually, we lost the last baby at 9 weeks but carried it for 2 more weeks and didn’t miscarry until right at the 11 week mark. It was a silent miscarriage. She nodded, said some pleasantries . . . then I think she realized what she’d said and offered me a huge hug in congratulations.
I left and immediately thought, “I must blog about this.” I need you all to know – for the future, for other people who experience this – how you should react when someone tells you they are pregnant after a prenatal loss.
HERE is how you respond: EXACTLY AS YOU WOULD AS IF THE MISCARRIGE HAD NEVER HAPPENED.
Just be super excited. Just hug them, tell them how happy you are, how wonderful the news is. Pretend it is their first pregnancy – ask all the questions about when they are due, how they’re feeling, do they want a boy or a girl. For Heaven’s sake, stop reminding them that this new pregnancy is following a miscarriage. THEY KNOW THAT. Don’t say ANYTHING about the previous experience – don’t say, “We are praying for you” or anything to make them think that you are not 100% confident that they are going to deliver this baby at term. Just BE EXCITED. Those are the best reactions. Joy and happiness.
People that are just excited for us make me feel like they ARE genuinely happy for us – like they are ready to help us move on and share our lives with this new baby. That type of response truly and honestly helps me and my confidence in the new pregnancy. God knows I want someone to tell me everything is going to be OK – and by just being excited and asking all the pregnancy questions, that is exactly what those people are doing. That is what I want people to say when they find out I’m pregnant. A simple, “Yeah!! How fantastic! When are you due?”
Now, if you’ve reacted in one of the other ways – you cannot feel bad about it. If you’ve never experienced this situation, there is really no way to know how to respond. As long as you were kind and genuine, we (me or any of others who have had this happen) KNOW and totally understand your reaction. It’s perfectly normal.
I just wanted you to know what I think is the best way to respond. Just be excited. And then, if you need to, you can hold your breath for them . . . and pray for them . . . until that 12th week . . . just don’t tell them you are doing it.
Healthy 9 week ultrasound -- a bit like a gummy bear, right?
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